I don’t want to be here and be ignored and bitched at anymore.
And for your information you bitch, I wasn’t being the bitchy one. You were. I held my tongue the entire weekend—even when you were a whore and ditched me. I didn’t say anything when you snapped at me about stupid shit and then you had the nerve to say I was the bitchy one.
I can show you bitch.
And let me tell you—once you experience my bitchy side well, then you’ll be sorry.
My friend and I have had a little disagreement over the ahem, sexuality, of a certain member of SHINee.
She maintains that he has to be gay.
I on the other hand, do not. Don’t get me wrong, if this were any other guy, I’d say that the boy is fruitier than a box of raisins on a hot day, but this isn’t just any guy. This is Key.
And for some reason Key’s penchant for girl groups, sparkles, great hair and diva fits do not make him seem gay to me—they make him seem well, like Key. And someone *cough* megan-jetz *cough* can’t seem to accept this.
But like I said, if it was anyone but Key—that would definitely set off my gaydar. But instead I find him oddly adorable, like that little cousin you see every Christmas that just does the cutest things and you can’t help but smile.
Anyway, I just thought I’d throw that out there.
Also, has anyone else noticed that Korean guys like touching each other a lot? Like, they’re always hugging and touching and caressing. I think it’s so cute! But hey, I’m a fangirl so I think everything they do is totally kawaii.
These children learn from cigarette burns, fast women, fast cars and cheap drinks
I despise you QUIA. I hope that you die a horrible, painful, bloody death someday. You are a life ruiner.
I need to stop watching suju videos. It’s getting really out of hand—I can’t turn my back on SHINee! I mean, Jonghyun, you’re totally my bias but…Heechul is in the running now too.
WHY CAN’T I MEET A KOREAN POPSTAR!?
Jenny doesn’t understand. Today I talked to her in Japanese, Chinese and Korean—she was not impressed and actually had the nerve to complain about it. Tsk tsk. She’s just jealous of my skillz.
Granted, I only know a few phrases in each of the languages beside just song lyrics but hey, I know enough to insult people, say hello, say thank you, say sorry and say goodbye. Which, in my book, is plenty.
I’ve thought about possibly learning an Asian language. Japanese is offered. Buuut that requires going back to school and we all know how I feel about that. So, maybe I’ll just try to learn it on my own. ^^
Sorry for the rambling. I’m avoiding QUIA and waiting for my video to load. The internet here sucks at night.
I’m going to Scotland this weekend. And you know what I’m looking forward to most (besides the escape from this Hell I’ve been in)? It’s so sad. So terribly sad and pathetic that I’m almost ashamed to admit it out loud.
I’m looking forward to the whisky tour the most.
Because I want to get—as the English say—absolutely knackered.
Yes, I realize this is exactly the way alcoholics sound. But I’m not an alcoholic. I just need something to take me away for a while. And since that whisky is essentially free, then hell yeah I’m going to jump on it.
I’m tired of having this damn weight on my shoulders. I’m tired of having this black cloud following me. I can’t stand it anymore.
I just want to be free.
This whole locking myself in the bathroom to cry thing is getting old. I wish I could go just a day without feeling like crying. I wish I could go a day without feeling so heavy inside.
I don’t know why this is suddenly all hitting me now. I feel like a tower and life is this big wrecking ball just smacking me in the face. Beating me down. Destroying me.
My mother says I should pray.
I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t believe in God. I think that would crush her even more than me telling her I wanted to drop out. She doesn’t know. I haven’t told her.
But I can’t imagine that anyone like Christianity’s “God” exists. If “God” existed would we have so much suffering—so much heartache? If there was a God, I’d expect him to show up in times of crisis to reassure his people but he never does. So why should I believe in such a figment? “Go” is only a creation that people who are hurt or wandering came up with to give themselves false hope. And false hope in my opinion is worse than no hope at all.
I’m in such a bad place. Nothing I do seems to cheer me up. For my friends I try to put on a brave face but I’m sure they can see how my smile waivers. But no one says anything. And even if they did I’d still lie.
That’s the biggest lie that people tell. Because we’re not fine. We’re broken inside. The gears have stopped turning and rusted and are grinding against us. I can’t take it.
oh no! it is too early for this! :( You are going to make the best of your time in Europe. I don’t really know what else to say…. i’m not very inspirational.
When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past. ~Author Unknown
Hopefully that is! Even if things aren’t going fab over there don’t focus on how amazing your friends here are or how the rest of your time there may turn out. One day at a time, even if the people who are around you and your french class sucks or whatever is the case. I will be praying for you <3 So make sure you have some fun for me while i am stuck here in the midwest! And Lets skype soon!
It just sucks that I feel really lonely here. Like, I don’t even feel that close to Jenny anymore and there’s no one here that I’ve really clicked with. And that’s the reason why I’m sitting here in the stupid skype lab crying.
And yes, we should definitely set up a skype date soon.
My roommate is sick and refuses to take medication for it.
Jenny is back to being a hypochondriac. “I’m sick…”—no you’re not you idiot. Your nose automatically runs when you’re outside. Duh. And as for your headache, suck it up. I hate when people complain about headaches. It’s a pig pet peeve of mine. I think if you have one, then you shouldn’t complain. It doesn’t even hurt that bad. You don’t know what pain is until you’ve had a migraine, okay? So don’t complain about a pathetic little headache. Ugh.
Whitney and Patience continue to exclude me from their conversation and plans. Thanks guys—and here I thought we were friends.
I’m considering going to summer school to catch up on all my credits that USI made me lose cause they’re bitches.
Get caught up on credits
find good apartment
not have to take 18 hours in the fall
would have to find apartment from 4000 miles away
would have to get job
wouldn’t be able to see friends from back home
school in summer
It’s a lot to think about. I was planning on doing summer school next summer but I thought to myself—why not get it over with now? Ugh. So many decisions. I’m not going to lie—if my parents wouldn’t disown me—I would probably drop out of school right now. I mean, I’m a creative writing major for chrissakes, it’s not like I have a career attached to my area of study. Hell, I don’t even know what I want to do after school.
I don’t really want to be a novelist—I always get bored in the middle of writing them and give up.
I definitely don’t want to teach.
I think my dream job would be Anthony Bourdain’s. Like, traveling around the world, experiencing things and telling other people about them.
Travel writing? But then you get into the sketchy area of travel journalism and I refuse to do journalism.
I think I’d like Samantha Brown’s job too.
And this is clearly a sign that I watch too much Travel Channel.
I have what you could call “friends” here. But I still feel lonely. I think it’s because there are only a few people in this world that you can truly call your “friend”. These are the people that there’s a special spark with—something more than just your stereotypical friendship.
I haven’t found any of those people here. I noticed I’m still on my guard even with Patience, Whitney and Shandra—I don’t want them inside my head. I suppose Jenny fits in that special category but, I don’t know. It just feels like there’s something different now.
I hate how we change.
I haven’t felt homesick until now. And the sad part is that I’m not homesick for my family or my bed—no, I’m friendsick. I miss those people that I can say the most ridiculous things with and they won’t judge me. I miss staying up all night giggling about nothing. I miss the inside jokes, the laughter, the smiles, the moments that will always remain with me.
Here, I’ll have amazing experiences, I know. But it’s not the same if you don’t have someone there by your side who experiences the same thing. I miss my friends. I miss them more than I ever thought was humanly possible.
I haven’t cried this much in a while. It just feels like everything is on top of me, weighing—no—sinking me down. I want someone to pull me out. I want to pull myself out but I can’t. So, instead I’ll just try to stop moving for a while—that should slow the sinking process.
This makes me so sad because I can’t see the new season! UGH. What am I going to do without Bones, Burn Notice and Psych!? Hulu, WHY WON’T YOU STREAM IN THE UK!? It’s like the United States—just replace states with Kingdom and viola!
*weeps tears of sadness and crawls to corner of depression and despair*